Four Clarks and a Hair Straightener (chuck)

We have been talking about living outside of Texas for at least a year now. That's all it's been... just talk. We've been too scared to actually abandon the only life we've known. Naturally, it seemed crazy and impossible considering the 26-28 years of developing friendships, connections, and memories... and of course the importance of being near our immediate families.

Two years ago, during our 6 year anniversary, we rented a cabin in the Smoky Mountains near Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. We fell in love with the area and from then on, had it set in our minds to one day make a home there. So, anytime we were in bed talking about where we wanted to live, we usually ended up rambling on about the possibilities of East Tennessee.

Julie has great memories of Colorado. As a kid, she lived there for a year after her parents thought it would be wise for everyone to pack up and head North due to her sister's frequent asthma attacks. Better air... better breathing. Unfortunately, Shana (her sister) developed the wonderful habit of smoking, causing them to rethink their decision. Julie would often bring up Colorado when we would daydream about a new locale.

When I was a kid, I stayed with my Grandma in Park City, Utah for a few months. Though it wasn't much time to really get to know the way of life there, I would bring it up, just as Julie would bring up Colorado.

Sometimes, we would joke about spinning a globe and then stopping it with a forceful finger, allowing chance to determine our future. Of course by doing so, we would be prone to not only leaving the state, but leaving the country. We also considered hanging a U.S. map on the wall and buying only one dart. Considering our lack of Bar-room skills, the result would be random. No skill... no choice.

We have planned on one day visiting Kansas City, Missouri, but never considered living there. We used to watch "GOD TV", and the International House of Prayer was often being aired live. Julie really loved Misty Edwards, and soon I related. Apart from that and the reputation of their 24/7 worship and prayer, that's all we knew of I.H.O.P.

5 months ago, I was hospitalized for a week. A couple years back, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease after seeing a doctor for various painful symptoms. Life went on as if nothing changed, apart from the new daily meds. A few months before being in the hospital recently, We noticed that I was rapidly losing weight. Over the course of 3 months, I lost 65 lbs. Standing on a scale, it read 150 lbs. instead of the familiar 215. I was in constant pain, often finding myself curled up on the hallway floor, unable to move. I tried to hide my agony from Julie, letting my "Man-pride" take over. I still went to work everyday, and played with kids as usual. The two weeks prior to the E.R. run were the worst. I couldn't keep any food down at all. We tried all kinds of diet changes, but nothing worked. Alaskan Salmon was a big hit, giving us occasional false hope. The worst of it all was the complete lack of energy. Eventually, all I could do was lay down on the couch and try not to groan. This went on for a couple weeks, steadily getting worse, and soon experiencing minute-long black-outs. I could not hug my kids, kiss my wife, or even hold a guitar. Before falling asleep, I would expect to not wake up. I knew I was going to die. Julie and I shared many tearful nights. She read many helpful books, and fed me many different herbal medicines. She was on a mission. Unfortunately, enough was enough, and she dragged me to the car and drove me to the Hospital.

The first thing the Nurses did was put me on morphine. Unfortunately, it only got me high. So high that I was unable to speak, wanting to tell somebody that I was still in intense pain. I was drooling and couldn't hold myself up during the wheelchair ride, and I remember one of the nurses saying, "Yeah, he's definitely feeling better now." No, this is Hell for me. I am not enjoying this.

During the first blood transfusion in my room, God gave me deep personal revelation, and throughout the duration of my stay, He never let up. I felt as if I had clarity for the first time in my entire life, and was now able to see what I was becoming... or have become. I understood the importance of Love, and my habitual LACK of it. For a moment, I felt like I could see my wife as God saw her. I thought of my children and admired their innocence. I felt my Mother's pain of having such a terrible relationship with her Son. I was overwhelmed with the reality of my life of hateful motives, and the potentially life-long spiritual impacts. My heart was pounding, and my spirit was anxious. I needed redemption. I felt like I was seeing everything in slow motion, as dramatic as that may sound. Everything I heard and everything I saw, I was able to fully discern and respond accordingly.

I was deeply saddened, yet joyful. Most importantly, I felt that my marriage now had a chance of true restoration. My eyes were open and my thoughts were clear. To this day I am madly in love with Julie, but it was THAT day in the hospital when I was able to truly see her, to learn to be the husband she needs.

God was all that mattered after being discharged. Everything else seemed so fruitless. My body was still shaky, and my strength was slowly coming back, but my eyes were wide open. It was hard to go back to the same ol' routine after all that. I rested for a couple months, the first in which I read the bible cover to cover, unable to sleep, being consumed with zeal. Julie and I were finally on our knees together, for the first time in our 7 years of marriage.

It seemed God would speak to us daily. Our pursuit of Him was clearly being acknowledged. Our prayers were regularly answered in the most creative of ways. The excitement in the air was strong. Friends would come over and stall at the front door while entering, claiming that something was different in the air. Unbelievers recognizing God's presence.

Anyway, There are many, many, many more details and side stories that could fill up a 300 page book, but a general summary should suffice in helping you understand a part of the events leading up to our big move.

Julie and I have hurts. Undeniable regrets, and painful memories of each other. We've created a world for ourselves around a pointless cycle of re-living these hurts. Our pattern of delusional peace and general disappointment needed to end. We have always been in love with each other, and are very aware of our perfect compatibility, but due to the circumstances of our young beginnings with no direction or life experience, we have damaged each other badly. Eight years ago, we were pretty crazy. Not the fun kind of crazy, just crazy. A bad start to such a wonderful marriage. The odds were against us, but perseverance has truly been rewarding.

About a month ago, there was a general sense of change in the air. We couldn't put our finger on it, but knew something was around the corner. We stayed up late talking, praying, and trying to figure out what needed to be done. The restlessness in our spirits was overwhelming. Soon we were obsessed with the idea of moving to Kansas City. It didn't seem possible at all, in the natural, but we couldn't deny the desire. We felt as if we were being pushed right out the door. It was impossible. We had responsibilities in Texas, and were still in the middle of a lease agreement. Apart from that, we really didn't have a lot of money outside of our monthly commitments. We had an established life in Texas, that seemed completely stupid to walk away from. We are both extremely adventurous, but ARE co-parents, and needed to consider the stability of our children. Anyway, the reasons to stay WAY outnumbered the reasons to leave... but our spirit's were restless. God was doing something with us.

In the car one day, without having mentioned anything to our kids, Julie wildly asked them, "Kids, what is God telling you right now?" Caleb, immediately said, "I feel in my heart that God is saying, Trust in Me." Jade said, "God says to go and believe in me." WHAT?! We were shocked. Where did that come from? Up to this point, we were pretty private about our potential decision. That evening, Diane Ross, a very close friend of mine, called to tell me that God told her to send me money. Again, nobody knew of our pending transition. A few days later we received a check in the mail. We were also reminded of a dream someone had about me being carried to Kansas City while in a wheelchair. This was very interesting, because up to this point in my life, I have never felt so completely broken. These are only a few of the many nudges we felt in regards to leaving. Things like this happened continually.

We officially decided to leave in less than one month. We were just going to take the leap of faith, and go. It didn't make any sense, and seemed irresponsible and stupid, but our minds were made up. We wanted to make the most of it, and go completely stripped of our possessions, completely starting over. We gave a 30 day notice to our landlord, and began selling everything we once held tightly to.

It was hard watching people walk off with my musical equipment, leaving me teary-eyed with cash in hand, but it had to be done. We sold every guitar, except for two acoustics, all amps, most of the drum stuff, recording gear, every cable and mic stand, our TV, couches, beds, cookware, clothes, etc. Everything was either sold, given away, or trashed. We kept only what we considered impossible to part with, which was two guitars, a small kit recorder, a couple microphones, SOME clothes, a few kid's toys, boxes of sentimental stuff, and Julie's hair straightener. Oh, and our car... we kept our car.

We began to renovate our house for new residents. Our Air Conditioning was on the fritz, only adding to the weight of rigorous labor. We learned a few tricks while working on the house and preparing for the move. If you need boxes, go to a Liquor Store or an Auto Parts Store. If you need to dump trash, wait 'til night and use the dumpster in a ghetto apartment complex. Set usable stuff out by the road... one man's trash, another man's treasure. Lacquer Thinner can remove permanent marker from anything. Renting a steam cleaner at Kroger's for deep carpet stains does not work. Hire a professional, but don't pay more than $150.

After a couple weeks we were done, and the place looked awesome. The Landlord's came by and were blown away by our diligence. They said it has never looked that great, but we already knew that to be true. We took pride in leaving on such a high note, overkilling the situation.

I flew up to Kansas City without Julie or the kids, and stayed with my brother for 4 days so I could do my best to work out any details before making the final road trip. I came highly motivated, but feared the worst. We have a broken lease on our credit from 4 years ago, completely preventing us from ever getting into an apartment again, until we settle the debt. I knew a Leasing Agency wouldn't let me put down a deposit on a house without having a secured job lined out in Missouri. I knew that a private owner wouldn't rent to me without being able to pay at least twice the deposit, and first and last months rent. It seemed hopeless, but still, we undeniably knew God had plans for us.

When I arrived, I met with a Landlord with a house for rent directly across the street from my brother and his family. I had about 10 meetings with different owners lined out for the week, and this was the first one. We hit it off immediately and I signed a lease with an $850 deposit an hour later. The house is amazing. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living, dining, huge extension "play room", huge front porch, back porch, fenced in backyard, garden, tool shed, full sized basement, one car garage, a car-port, brand new kitchen appliances, and cool looking stone well in the front yard. I was given completely undeserving favor. Done deal.

In Texas, we spent the last few days making our rounds, saying goodbye to everyone we love and care about. The reality was sinking in. We became fatigued by the seemingly never-ending wide array of emotions. This has always been our home...

Our kids were in high spirits the entire time up to the move. They understood the reality of what was happening, but were generally excited. They seemed to mainly be focused on the fact that we would eventually enjoy this strange thing called snow... if it really exists.

So here we are in our new home on 107th street... Missouri, that is. It all happened so quickly. We let go completely, devoted our lives to God's will, and ended up in Kansas City, Missouri.

So... What now, God?